Thursday, December 31, 2015

Welcome to Sonja´ s BLOG

Welcome to Sonja's blog - Herzlich Willkommen. Bienvenue. Benvenuto. Bienvenido. Bem-vindo. καλώς όρισες. Salam. Shalom. مرحبا. خوش آمدید.欢迎. 



Wednesday, May 30, 2012

TV RTL - mitten im Leben 16.02.2012, 14.00h

Anne + Ronny 

with TV Nanny Sonja Nufer


Separated couple, both jobless, 5 children 

In this TV production by German RTL, Anne and Ronny are a German couple living separately in Brandenburg close to each other , having 5 children . Sonja Nufer as the TV family psychotherapist tried to help them how to improve their relationship as a separated couple in order to be able to work together as mother and father for their children. A Family is similar to Managing a Business Since both of them are jobless, their family is and has to be their main job. And they get money for that from the German state. Like a business, a family needs organisation, structures, working rules, management and coaching. The bigger the business, the bigger the family, the more rules and structures are needed. A family with 5 children already needs a sort of weekly timetable. These duties have to be distributed and carried out regularly: Buying food, washing clothes, cleaning up the flat, cooking regular meals for the children, taking children to the kindergarten etc...In the case of Ronny and Anne, both show an outer and inner neglect, that is a huge lack of organisation and management.  

Separated couple similar to 2 companies 

Since the couple is separated, we could say, it is 2 companies with common responsibilities. Their common responsibility are their 5 children. So we could talk about a fusion. That ´s why Sonja tried to open their mind to build up common rules for the education of their children. Anne and Ronny show opposite educational styles. Anne´s style is open and creative, the children play as they like. However, she lacks to show limits. Ronny´s style of education is rather authoritarian and militaristic. So both show extreme ends of a pole. The ideal amtosphere would be to be both creative and showing up limits.  

Family Psychotherapist or Coach as a mirror to understand oneself 

and change perspective 

As a family psychotherapist or coach, you try to be like a mirror to help people to better understand themselves, their behaviour pattern and unsconcious motivaton. For that purpose, Sonja asked Anne and Ronny to change perspective. A video camera was installed, so that the daily routine of the family life of Anne and Ronny could be watched with the help of the family psychotherapist. In addition, Anne and Ronny were asked to change their children for a couple of days. Normally Anne is responsible for the young kids, Ronny for the older kids. So Ronny was able to see how much more exhausting everyday life is for Anne with the younger kids. This change of role helped them to improve the understanding for each other.

How to contribute to a happy life of each other instead of fighting? 

Furthermore, the couple was invited to try to do “nice” things with each other, instead of fighting against each other all the time. They made an excursion together with their children to the fire department, the volunteer activity of Ronny.  

Get out of Dependency and try to develop a more independent life: friendships, a hobby and body workout etc.........

But also Anne was recommended to develop an interest or hobby. Sonja advised her to develop a more independent style of living, by establishing friendships with other people of the neighbourhood, by pursuing a hobby or doing fitness. As a young girl, she was very good as swimming. Sonja tried to inspire her to do something for her herself, for her appearance, for her body, mind and soul.  

First Step is done, but Anne + Ronny are recommended to continue the discussion concerning the rules conerning their relationship and the education of their children

What happened was a new start for both of them in a more positive direction. But this is a continuous process of working out together as a team the rules for life management, education and their relationship.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

TV RTL.12 - MESSIE with Coach Sonja

Messie Television 

TV RTL Punkt 12

sent 15th May 2009

MESSIE Symptom - why?
Correlation Addiction to COLLECT and Mother a war refugee of II World War......


Your are interested in more details, please see COMMENT below. thank you.

Monday, May 28, 2012

TV RTL 2 - Claudia with Coach Sonja FRAUENTAUSCH

TV  RTL2 Sendung Frauentausch

Sonja as coach for Claudia


What was the show about?

The show was with women who should leave their familiar environment and should be exchanged to a different town, different social surroundings and different family. For Claudia this meant a sort of adventure, new start and getting out of stiff structures. She was going to live two weeks in a socially modern house of integration of generations in Potsdam with beautiful nature and a view on a lake. So staying there was sort of a holiday. Potsdam is quite bourgeois, but Berlin is positively crazy. The filming took place in Prenzlauer Berg, Kollwitzstrasse, Cafe Sowohl als Auch.

The RTL programme was a chance for Claudia to get out of her house in Köln. She was living there with her son and father, having been without a job for quite many years. Due to the coaching within the RTL TV Programme a new door opened for her.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

TV RBB - Sonja presenting Book by Nufer & Schraderhip 30.01.2008

TV RBB zibb 30.01.08, 18:30 h


Sonja Nufer and TV presenter Uwe Madel

for an interview about bullying in partnership.

Friday, December 30, 2011

TAMING People/Predators - Anti Bullying methods: what we can learn from taming predators! A reading example from the book by Nufer & Schrader

Buchtipp München 2007

Gerd Siemoneit-Barum & Robert Griesbeck:

Die Kunst mit dem Tier im Menschen umzugehen

An excerpt from the book by Nufer &Schrader:

Relationship as a circus, p. 338 - 341

 translated into English by Sonja Nufer

We tried an interdisciplinary approach to the difficult issue of bullying and relationships. The book by Nufer & Schrader does not only offer a reflection of the dark side of human relationships, but also provides a first-aid kit and creative, vital and unusual solutions, for example partnership as a circus.

partnership as a circus

The trainer and circus director Gerd Siemoneit-Barum together with his co-author Robert Griesbeck describes his experiences in his book "The Art to deal with the animal inside human beings".

The interesting thing about his book is the conclusion that there is something similar in the work with wild animals and dealing with people.

In many ways, the thesis of the book is that we are still like wild animals. Our reflexes, former animal instincts, fears and our brain have not so much changed over millions of years.

Animal babies and human babies need a mother and a father, love, security and borders. Our response behavior, concerning threats and fear, are still in many ways instinctive and still controlled by our so called "reptilian brain".

If we are dealing with a mixed group of predators (in the circus or in a figurative sense with humans) it is very important that everyone gets his place and appropriate position.

The safe place and some space in the real and psychological sense are important for human and animal safety and ensure a positive cooperation. In a partnership (love relationship or work relationship)it is similar to animal territory behaviour: where can I mark my territory in the company, the house, the room, where I lay out my yoga mat in the fitness studio, where is my place in the family....?

Animals mark their territory with urine. People build their houses and move fences around their gardens. Taming animals/people means you can learn to deal with them.

Gerd Siemoneit-Barum
What counts in dealing with "predators" is the clear announcement. Even an animal reacts to the human, a sort of foreign language. The animal does not understand the individual words, but listens to the voice of the trainer. The language should be short, clear and loving. Apart from the language eye contact is important.

If you read the book by Gerd Siemoneit-Barum about the golden rules of a tamer, we could say you have got the key and guide how to prevent bullying in partnership (work or love relationships). We have transferred his rules in his work with predators into the world of human relationships:

The golden rules of a tamer

Gerd Siemoneit-Barum, book Nufer & Schrader, page 338 - 341,
transferred into the Circus of Human Relationships, translated into English by Sonja Nufer

a good tamer .... 

A good tamer is an animal trainer who knows how animals play their game.
A good partner knows how the partner is ticking.

A good animal trainer is not an alpha male, and feared authoritarian dictator, but a helpful coach.

A good partner is not an alpha male, and feared authoritarian dictator, but a helpful coach.

A good animal trainer must be an attentive and affectionate observer, a man who encourages each animal individually and never asks the animal something alien to its nature. A good animal trainer is a teacher and coach - but he never becomes an animal companion and friend! A good partner is an attentive and affectionate observer, who supports his partner and never demands from him something alien to his nature. Opposite to the interaction animal trainer and animal, positive human partnership means, they change the role of one´s partner´s coach and thus become equal and autonomous beings. They are coaches and teachers for each other.

An animal trainer or coach is something other than a tamer. A tamer only wants to impose his rules, but lacks the obsession and desire to create a work of art together with his animals. Some partners just want to re-educate or dominate others. But this is bullying. They lack the obsession and lack the desire to create a work of art together with their partner.

A good trainer presents the animal - not himself!
A good partner is proud of his partner and does not only present himself.

The first task of a lion-tamer is to protect his animals.
The most important in a partnership is awareness and care for yourself and your partner.

How do I teach the animal? I myself show the behaviour.
How do I tell my partner/my colleagues? I myself show the behaviour, I would like to get from him/them.

A good teacher seduces the animal to show the correct behavior.
The partner as a coach inspires his partner to show an ideal behaviour.

In the course of the training of the animals there must be a feeling of growing together and togetherness with the animals. In the course of a partnership there must be a feeling of belonging and growing together.

A good animal trainer combines perfect timing with an elegant choreography.
Partnership combines perfect timing, distance and closeness and has much in common with an elegant dancing choreography.

Everyone must have the same goal in mind and be fully motivated.
Both partners have common goals for which they must work, because they both want it and they are fully motivated.

No one may interfere the group harmony, because a successful training and animal show is only possible in a relaxed atmosphere. The alpha and omega of a successful and happy partnership in private life or work is a fundamentally positive and relaxed atmosphere.

A good animal trainer will always observe the subtle tensions in his group of animals. The partner pays attention to subtle tensions.

Between the animal trainer and his animals there is no room for equality - but for respect. In a successful partnership, there should be mutual respect. Sometimes there may not be total equality. It is important that the roles are not fixed, which means the partners always learn from each other and this means they alternate their roles of trainer or being trained, depending on "who now jumps through the hoop".

A good trainer needs respect, authority, courage and enthusiasm.
A good partner needs respect, authority, courage and enthusiasm. What wonderful guide for a partnership!

There are no bad tamers - they would be all in the cemetery.
Bad and bullying partners live like in the cemetery.

The Swiss animal psychologist and zoo director Heini Hedinger summarizes his idea of the nature of animal training with the following words: "A good animal trainer is the great catalyst of the animal soul."  

A good partner is a coach, translator, mediator and expert of the soul of his partner.

Liebe Buch-Interessierte,

Buch Nufer & Schrader, S. 338 Zitat von Gerd Siemoneit-Barum

"Zähmen kann man Tiere, und Menschen nicht, 

aber man kann lernen mit ihnen umzugehen".

Gerd Siemoneit-Barum

Leseprobe aus Buch Nufer &  Schrader: 

Partnerschaft als Zirkus, S. 338 - 341

Unsere Annäherung an das schwierige Thema Mobbing & Liebe haben wir sehr interdisziplinär versucht zu lösen. Das Buch bietet nicht nur eine Reflektion der dunklen Seiten, sondern bietet auch einen Erste-Hilfe-Koffer und kreative und ungewöhnliche Lösungsangebote, wie die Analogie Partnerschaft als Zirkus zeigt.

Ich hoffe, dass Sie sich für unser Buch begeistern.
Viel Freude beim Lesen!
Sonja Nufer

Partnerschaft als Zirkus

Der Dompteur und Zirkusdirektor Gerd Siemoneit-Barum beschreibt mit seinem Co-Autor Robert Griesbeck in dem Buch »Die Kunst, mit dem Tier im Menschen umzugehen« seine jahrzehntelangen Erfahrungen im Umgang mit Raubtieren.

Das Interessante an seinem Buch sind die Schlussfolgerungen, die der Dompteur aus seinen Erfahrungen für den Umgang mit Menschen zieht. In vielerlei Hinsicht, so die These des Buches, sind wir immer noch die »alten Raubtiere«: »Unsere Angstreflexe, unser Hierarchiegebaren ebenso wie unser Empfinden von Nähe und Distanz haben sich über die Jahrmillionen nur wenig geändert.

«Tier- wie Menschenbabys brauchen Vater und Mutter, Liebe, Sicherheit und auch Grenzen. Unser Verhalten, in Gefahren- und Angstsituationen instinktiv und blitzschnell mit Flucht oder Angriff zu reagieren, wird wie bei Tieren vom Hirnstamm aus gesteuert, auch als »Reptilienhirn« bezeichnet.

Wenn wir es mit einer gemischten Raubtiergruppe (im Zirkus oder im übertragenen Sinn mit Menschen) zu tun haben, ist sehr wichtig, dass jeder seinen Platz bekommt und auch hat.

Der sichere Platz und Raum im realen und psychologischen Sinne gibt Mensch und Tier Sicherheit und ermöglicht eine positive Zusammenarbeit. In einer Partnerschaft geht es wie im Fitnesscenter darum, wo »markiere « ich mein Territorium im Raum,wo lege ich meine Yoga-Matte hin, wo ist mein Platz.

Tiere markieren ihr Revier durch Urin. Menschen bauen ihre Häuser, ziehen ihre Zäune um die Gärten und brauchen auch unbedingt ihr »eigenes Revier« in der Wohnung. Zähmen kann man Tiere und Menschen nicht, aber man kann lernen, mit ihnen umzugehen.

Gerd Siemoneit-Barum
Was zählt im Umgang mit »Raubtieren«, sind die klaren Ansagen. Auch ein Tier reagiert auf die menschliche, ihm fremde Ansprache. Die Sprache sollte jedoch kurz, klar und liebevoll sein. Neben der Sprache ist auch der Blickkontakt wichtig.

Liest man die »Die goldenen Dompteurregeln« von Gerd Siemoneit-Barum, so hat man das Gefühl, eine Anleitung zur Verhinderung von Mobbing in der Partnerschaft in den Händen zu halten. Unsere Übertragung der Dompteurregeln auf das Miteinander in der Partnerschaft haben wir jeweils kursiv hinzugefügt:

 Die goldenen Dompteur-Regeln 

von Gerd Siemoneit-Barum S. 339 – übersetzt auf den

 »Zirkus Partnerschaft«

• Ein guter Dompteur ist ein Tierlehrer, der weiß,wie Tiere ihr Spiel spielen.
Ein guter Partner weiß, wie der Partner »tickt«.

• Ein guter Dompteur ist kein gefürchtetes Alpha-Tier und kein strenger Zuchtmeister, sondern ein Coach.
Ein guter Partner ist kein gefürchtetes Alpha-Tier und kein strenger Herrscher, sondern ein hilfreicher Coach.

• Ein guter Dompteur muss ein aufmerksamer und liebevoller Beobachter sein, ein Mensch, der jedes Tier individuell fördert und fordert, der ihm nichts aufzwingt, was dessen Wesen fremd wäre, ein Lehrer und Trainer – aber niemals ein tierischer Kumpel und Freund.
Ein guter Partner ist ein aufmerksamer und liebevoller Beobachter, der seinen Partner fördert und ihm nichts aufzwingt, was dessen Wesen fremd wäre. Beide sind gleichberechtigte und autonome Wesen.

Partnerschaft als Zirkus - ein Zitat:
Ein bedauernswerter Mensch ist in meinen Augen, wer in seinem Heim keinen Platz hat, wo er sich selbst gehört,
wo er sich nur um sich allein bemüht, wo er verborgen sein kann. Michel de Montaigne

• . . . Ein Ausbilder oder Tiertrainer ist etwas anderes als ein Dompteur. Solche Tierexperten wollen das Verhalten von Tieren »gesellschaftstauglich « machen und die Schale des Wissens weitergeben. Ihnen fehlt die Besessenheit und die Lust, mit Tieren gemeinsam ein Kunstwerk zu kreieren.
– Manche Partner wollen den anderen erziehen oder umerziehen. Das ist aber Mobbing. Es geht darum, gemeinsam schöpferisch und kreativ das »Kunstwerk Partnerschaft« zu kreieren.

• Ein guter Dompteur präsentiert das Tier – nicht sich selbst.
Ein guter Partner ist stolz auf seinen Partner und liebt den gemeinsamen »Auftritt«.

• Die erste Aufgabe eines Dompteurs ist es, seine Tiere zu schützen.
Das Wichtigste ist einer Partnerschaft ist Achtsamkeit und Fürsorge für sich und den Partner.

• Wie sage ich’s meinem Tier? Ich mache es ihm vor.
Wie sage ich es meinem Partner? Ich lebe es ihm vor und sage, was ich mir von ihm wünsche.

• Ein guter Tierlehrer verführt zum richtigen Verhalten.
Der Partner als Coach begeistert den anderen und verführt zu Weiterentwicklung.

• Im Laufe der Ausbildung muss ein Zusammengehörigkeits-gefühl der Tiere erwachsen.
Im Laufe der Partnerschaft sollte sich in ausgewogener Balance von Nähe und Distanz, ein Zusammengehörigkeits-gefühl ergeben. Liebe ist ein tiefes Gefühl der Zusammengehörigkeit.

• Ein guter Dompteur vereint perfektes Timing mit eleganter Choreographie.
Partnerschaft hat viel mit dem Tanz gemeinsam. Der Dialog von Schritten macht aus dem Tanz ein Kunstwerk.• Jeder muss dasselbe Ziel vor Augen haben und voll motiviert sein. – Beide Partner haben gemeinsame Ziele, für die sie sich einsetzen, weil beide es wünschen.

Keiner darf die Gruppenharmonie stören, denn eine gelungene Dressur ist nur in einer entspannten Atmosphäre möglich.
Das A und O für eine Partnerschaft ist eine grundsätzlich positive und entspannte Atmosphäre. Nach einem konstruktiv bewältigten Konflikt sollten sich beide wieder wohl fühlen.

• Der gute Dompteur wird immer die subtilen Spannungen in seiner Tiergruppe beobachten.
Die Partner achten auf Spannungen bei sich und dem anderen und kommen darüber ins Gespräch, bevor sich Feindseligkeit und Mobbing entwickeln können.

• Zwischen dem Dompteur und seinen Tieren ist für Gleichberechtigung kein Platz – aber für Achtung.
In einer geglückten Partnerschaft ist jeder abwechselnd mal »Dompteur « – je nachdem, wer gerade nicht »durch den Reifen springen« mag. Es existiert trotzdem Gleichberechti-gung und gegenseitige Achtung.

• Ein guter Dompteur braucht Respekt, Autorität, Mut und Begeisterung.
Was für wunderbare Leitworte für eine Partnerschaft!

• Es gibt keine schlechten Dompteure – die sind alle auf dem Friedhof.
Mobbing-Paare leben schon bei Lebzeiten wie auf dem Friedhof.

• Der Schweizer Tierpsychologe und Zoodirektor Heini Hedinger fasste seine Vorstellung vom Wesen der Dressur einmal so zusammen: »Ein guter Dompteur ist der große Katalysator der Tierseele.«
Der gute Partner ist Coach, Übersetzer,Vermittler und Kenner der Seele des anderen.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Better MOPS-ing than MOBBING (bullying) - try to take with humour!

The Pug is a small breed of dog with a wrinkly, short muzzled face. A pug has a curled tail, and pugs may make little snorting sounds. Other names are Chinese Pug, Mops, Puggu, Carlin, Dutch Bulldog, Mini Mastiff.

The word pug may come from the old English and mean little devil in a loving way. The breed is often summarized as "much in little", describing the dog´s remarkable personality despite its small size.

In any case, if you have a pug, you can laugh a lot and get into touch with all the people around!

So better MOPS-ing (FUN), than MOBB-ing (Bullying) !

Try to take with humour!

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Loss of RITUALS in our Society & Bullying: the SCAPEGOAT phenomenon








Book Review

The scapegoat complex

Syliva Brinton Perera


Sylvia Brinton Perera

Der Sündenbock Komplex

Die Erlösung von Schuld und Schatten

Zur Psychologie eines dunklen Archetypus


Correlation: Bullying and the Loss of Rituals

For me, the subject rituals was initially not directly related to the topic of bullying. Only through the reflection of the deeper origins of rituals a link came up to bullying and to the contents of the book by Nufer & Schrader.

definition of rituals

Only in the 20th century, social scientists speak of rituals. The word originally comes from the latin ritus and refers to a custom in a religious sense. The ritual as a religious practice followed well-defined rules.

The rite of sacrifice in religion (christian, muslim...) versus Scapegoat Phenomenon:

The rite of sacrifice in the Bible is still common practice among Muslims, when they sacrifice a lamb. In our so called civilized and highly technological society, we do not sacrifice animals any more, but unfortunately totally unconscious and no longer visible we still continue this ritual, too. But we do no longer sacrifice an animal, but sacrifice a scapegoat or the black sheep, by firing one member of the team, family or partnership. Bullying is correlated with the symptom of a scapegoat. So we might say: better a ritually sacrifice of a sheep than bullying in workplaces, families, partnership and society!

pros and cons of rituals

Yoga a positive ritual

Rituals provide structure and security. Like everything in life, unless it is not excessive and not exaggerated, it is fine. If too much, then rituals may become a dictatorship too.

People wanted to acquire individual freedom and free themselves from regimes. This was one of the reasons for the abolition of the rites and rituals in our society. Rituals have their advantages and disadvantages.

Rituals and symbols can also be abused. This was the case here in Germany by the Nazis through the abuse of the swastika (Hakenkreuz) which was originally a sun symbol. After II World War, Germany has become a ritual free society. We can say, only in football world cup 2006 in Berlin, Klinsmannn contributed to a temporary revival of German national identity, and this was 60 years after the end of World War II.

In an age of narcissism and borderline people tend to live alone or to have short term relationships, leaving them abruptly and thus building patchwork families.

Stronger rituals in other cultures tend to strengthen the community and family systems. Indigenous people have rites to manhood or for women, when they get the period for the first time. If we lack these rituals of adulthood , it is because they seem to be only negative for us. Unfortunately in our society, we have negative substitute rituals such as drug use, binge drinking, etc.. Cultures with no rituals result in disorientation and loss of community. We could say: consumption temples replace the religious temples!

Present Situation and Outlook

Currently in our society there is a lack of orientation, and people search for support, guidance and spirituality.

Religious rites were replaced by secular substitute rituals : Whether it's the sports (football, tennis or yoga like the ritual prayer of Muslims ....). Also, the work is a substitute ritual, and can lead to the escape from oneself and others. Many become workacoholics.

Concerning the borderline society which means either .... or, we need rituals, too. A balance between structure and freedom, closeness and distance, individuality and community, give and take would be the ideal solution.

The target should be should be not black or white, but also colours of gray! In society, this would mean: not friend or enemy, not rich or Hartz IV, but maintaining a middle position, a middle class etc...

It is about the restoration and preservation of values . Respect and tolerance start in a small system of relationships and families and continue to all other form of relations even between all countries of this earth. All countries together are like a family in this globalized age.

Examples of rituals: festivities, birth of child, marriage, christmas, eatin rituals ....

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Financial Bullying - BANKruptcy + worldwide CRISIS. More Love for the Economy, NOT more growth....! Invest in yourself, not shares ......!

The latest form of bullying could be the financial bullying in the form of bank insolvency starting with Lehman Brothers in the U.S. September 2008 leading to a worldwide crisis!

This shows us: We - all the countries of the world - sit in one boat, i.e.depend on each other!

What can we do in times of global changes and crisis?

Our society is changing. The rules of power in the world are changing. Twenty years ago it was right, to develop a career, if you study and work hard.

Today this is totally different. No matter how hard you work or how many degrees you achieve, there is no more a guarantee for a constant career. Job stability is something of the past.

How can people manage this situation? They need to be creative and open to new strategies to respond to the situation of today.

Many companies have to dismiss their personnel. Many people thus lose their jobs. Many relationships and families break up because of the very tough fight for survival.

More EMOTION & LOVE to the Economy, NOT more growth!

The strategies for the last decades had been to create more growth, more production, more technology. But more growth is not the answer for the problems of today´s world!

This is my provocative hypothesis: The economy needs more love, not more growth. Time is money, that ´s right, but our real capital is our time. So take care what you do with your 24 hours every day. What counts is TODAY. Better than investing in shares, invest in yourself, the growth of your personality! The world of today needs mature personalities, able to love and care. If we develop ourselves, the rest will come automatically....

This means even the world of business and economics and trade needs something different: What is urgently needed is a turning point leading to more relationship, more authentic communication, more understanding, more appreciation, more creativity, more really working together, more amplifying each other, more quality, not quantity, more psychological growth, more constructively solving conflicts, more being of service and help for clients, colleagues and management, more fun and energy of caring for each other! In simple words: More LOVE is needed everywhere, even in economy!

When Love becomes a Disaster.....

When business becomes a Disaster

Even Business needs EMOTION

An example of a takeaway in Berlin Kreuzberg

Two men, Hassan and Mohammed, had been working together as colleagues in an Arab takeaway Falafel and Schawarma in Berlin Kreuzberg, where I always go to eat falafel at least once a week. Because I love Falafel. And thus I know all the people working there.

The former owner of the restaurant became ill and had to sell his restaurant. He asked his workers if they wanted to take over the restaurant. They of course wanted to do so. They organised the money, the papers and all the bureaucratic stuff. They signed the contracts, got registered and started.

But within already the first six months they got into severe problems. They would have needed some sort of coaching and supervision. Each of them just continued the job he had done before. But now their role, their responsiblity, their rights and duties had changed. Furthermore, the new rules of working together had not been communicated or reflected. They just continued the way they were doing before. And the most important they did not really think about the meaning of a business partnership.

A PARTNERSHIP:. What does this mean having a partnership in business?

Starting a business with someone is like getting married. You are in one boat. You have to decide where the boat should go. You decide the climate: whether it is warm or cold, whether it is comfortable on the boat without storms, without wind or water coming in or how to get the water out. Or you decide whether the boat will swim in unsecure waters, become a battle zone and/or end in a war.

Hassan and Mohammed had known each other for 2 years. They had been colleagues in that takeaway. But they did not really know more about each other. They just bought the tickets for starting the business, but did not reflect with whom they are now travelling.

What happened?

Hassan was more experienced and was thus taking the part of the money. Mohammed continued the kitchen job. Mohammed relied totally on his former colleague. Confidence yes! But confidence needs control and limits, too. The new two business owners, still unexperienced in that new management position, were lucky to have the Arab family tradition where all sit at one table like in a coaching session. The oldest and more experienced former restaurant owner was leading the discussion to solve the conflict between the two new business partners.

Hassan needed money to pay his house credit. Since Mohammed totally left the money sector to him, he cheated him with money already in the first months. Mohammed remained without a salary. He became very angry and called for help with the former business owner. But Mohammed was guilty too. He now has to learn to behave as a manager not only a worker. He has to control his partner, too. And his partner Hassan has to behave as a partner. Otherwise this business is already finished within the first year. Hassan had not been fair, because he used the situation for himself.

What was the result of the intervention?
Both partners are guilty 50 %. Hassan could be blamed more, because he was cheating. He became weak and seduced having so much money available. And his wife and children and the house credit have also been a sort of pressure for him....

So these first months could have been the start and the end for both of them. What had been missing was communication. They did not talk to each other. Having a partnership in business is like a marriage. And the same problems as in a love relationship may occur in business too. We all have to learn to become a real partner in business and love affairs. This is the only way that works.

This means: Talk about your needs and problems to your partner and be open. Only by this you can find a solution for your situation. And you have to appreciate and help your partner. Not just think of yourself. Try to put yourself in the position of the other and see the world with his eyes. Try to help your partner to develop himself. Try to help your workers to develop themselves. Try to create a positive, warm and creative working atmosphere. If people want to work with you, clients will follow automatically....

Helping your partner means you help yourself. Appreciating your partner you appreciate yourself. Trying not to harm your partner is the best protection of not getting hurt. What you give, you receive. Give more, you get more. And do not forget. Giving an atmosphere of love, respect and peace will contribute even to make money.

What really counts in life and what we are all searching for is LOVE.
I can recommend the book Eat Pray + Love, the search of a woman for herself and love in our global world.

Book Review

Eat Pray + Love

Elizabeth Gilbert and Mary Mill

Saturday, December 24, 2011

SONJA ´s Zusammenfassung Borderline

Von der Sucht- zur Borderline-Gesellschaft, der brüchigen, schnellebigen Gesellschaft

Wie im Großen, so im Kleinen. Die Gesellschaft tendiert in Reich und Arm. Die Mittelschicht ist am Verschwinden. Der steigende Bedarf an Psychotherapie, Coaching und Yoga zeigt, dass die Menschen mit dieser Strategie bestrebt sind, ihre Mitte wieder zu finden.

border englisch = Grenze

Der Mensch mit Borderline Störung bewegt sich an der Grenze von Neurose und Psychose.

Wenn wir sogenannten Normalis - alle Neurotiker mehr oder weniger - mit einem Menschen mit Borderline Symptomatik zu tun haben, erleben wir hin und wieder den Psychotischen Schub, das Abdriften ins Wahnhafte, den Realitätsverlust und erleben den Alltag als Irrsinn. Bis wir das aber meist verstehen, ist es um uns schon geschehen.... Insider-Wissen, Fachkenntnisse und Erfahrung sind erforderlich, um die Konstellation richtig einschätzen zu können.

In meiner Arbeit als Psychologin und in meinem blog beschäftige ich mich sowohl mit den schönen als auch den dunklen Seiten vieler Themen, Situationen und Menschen, um letztendlich statt der Borderline Spaltung in entweder schwarz oder weiß bzw. gut oder böse die Mitte anzupeilen.

Der Mensch bzw. Systeme mit Borderline Störung sind vergleichbar mit dem Verhalten und Handeln eines aggressiven, tyrannischen aber auch super intelligenten und kreativen Kleinkindes, das eigentlich große Angst vor Verlassenheit und Alleinsein hat, aber leider alles tut, die anderen, die mit ihm zu tun haben und die es eigentlich braucht, zu verärgern und zu vertreiben.

Die Angst vor Verlassenwerden veranlaßt den Menschen mit Borderline Störung in vielen Fällen, den Partner zu verlassen. Beziehungen werden häufig abrupt abgebrochen nach dem Motto: alles oder nichts. Es gibt kein Dazwischen. Es kommt sehr häufig zu einem kompletten Beziehungsabbruch. Und das passiert im privaten wie beruflichen Kontext.

Das Dilemma ist: sie sehnen sich im Grunde ihres Herzens nach einer liebevollen Beziehung, aber sie sind einfach nicht in der Lage dazu. Eine Beziehung besteht aus Kompromissen und Aushandeln, aber eine Mitte gibt es beim Menschen mit Borderline Störung leider nicht. Er kennt und lebt nur die Extreme.

Der Mensch mit Borderline Störung interessiert sich eben nicht für die Bedürfnisse und Nöte des anderen. Ihn interessiert nur sein eigenes Wollen und Streben, was er dann auch mit allen Mitteln versucht durchzusetzen. Dabei verletzt er gerade die Menschen, die ihn mögen und die er auch selbst mag.

Der Mensch mit Borderline Störung kann mit Nähe leider nicht umgehen. Er kann keine Nähe auf Dauer ertragen. Deshalb wäre eine Partnerbeziehung nur mit viel Abstand (zwei getrennte Wohnungen) und ohne gemeinsame Projekte (keine gemeinsame Firma, kein gemeinsames Haus etc...) möglich.

Das Kind eines Elternteils mit Borderline erlebt sozusagen die offene Psychiatrie, vergleichbar einer Station mit Süchtigen und Gewalttätigen. Ein Kind braucht natürlich elterliche Nähe, aber bei Nähe flippt ja der Borderliner aus. Das Kind erlebt in einer solchen Kindheit so viele verbale und körperliche Gewaltausbrüche und sekundenschnelle Stimmungsschwankungen, dass eine normale Beziehung im späteren Leben fast unmöglich wird.

Eine solche Kindheit bedeutet, viele Jahre mit einer tickenden Zeitbombe leben zu müssen. Die Kinder sind total verwirrt und wissen nichts anzufangen mit ihrem späteren Leben, weil sie ihre ganze Kindheit sich diesem Horror anpassen mußten, sich nicht wehren konnten, und alle Kraft zum Überleben brauchten, weil sie ständig auf der Hut waren, wann die Nettigkeit in brutale Ausbrüche sekundenschnell umschlug.Sie mußten dann sofort die Weite suchen, was Kinder ja nicht unbedingt gut können. Wo sollten sie denn hin?

Wie bei Süchtigen ist selten wenig Einsicht gegeben, dass es überhaupt ein Problem gibt. Nein, die anderen sind immer schuld und fehlerhaft. Der Borderliner spaltet ja und entledigt sich der eigenen Fehler, des eigenen Negativen, Verwirrenden und inneren Chaos und projiziert das Dunkle auf die anderen.

Eine Beziehung dauerhaft mit einem Menschen mit Borderline Störung ist eigentlich erst möglich, wenn der Borderliner in Therapie geht und ein therapeutischer Prozess eine gewisse Reflektion in eigene Muster und Dynamiken beginnt.

Der Mensch mit einer Borderline Störung ist natürlich nicht nur böse. Auch er ist nicht nur Täter, sondern meist auch Opfer gewisser Umstände. Sehr häufig gibt es in der Kindheit emotionalen und/oder sexuellen Mißbrauch. Viele Borderliner verletzen sich auch selbst, um überhaupt bei sich etwas zu spüren. Die Einsicht der Notwendigkeit einer Verhaltensänderung ist in vielen Fällen selten gegeben. Leider landen die meisten wie die Alkoholiker erst über Zwangseinweisung oder wenn sie handgreiflich wurden in einer psychiatrischen Einrichtung.

Aber auch der Partner eines Menschen mit Borderline ist geschädigt. Er war empfänglich für das Beziehungsmuster, weil er es wohl schon aus seiner Herkunftsfamilie kannte. Auch er muss an sich arbeiten und versuchen, das Gute in sich zu bewahren und es sich nicht von seinem Partner mit Borderline zerstören zu lassen. Was war sein Anteil für diese Partnerbeziehung? Was wollte er mit dem Ersatzpartner Borderliner aus der eigenen Kindheit verarbeiten?

Bei Ehescheidungen sieht man oft die extreme dunkle Dynamik. Am Anfang der Liebesbeziehung wird das Extrem äußerst liebenswürdig gelebt. Das Ende ist eben auch wieder ein Extrem von Boshaftigkeit, Manipulation und psychischer Gewalt. Die Mitte, was Kommunikation, Partnerschaft und Beziehung ausmachen würde, fehlt einfach fast dauerhaft.

Was tun bei Borderline?

Die einzige Rettung liegt darin, auf Abstand zu gehen und sich selbst zu retten. Der Mensch mit einer massiven Borderline Störung könnte auch sehr gefährlich werden, speziell in Kombination mit Sucht, was häufig der Fall ist. Die meisten Morde passieren unter Alkoholeinfluss und höchst wahrscheinlich liegt außerdem eine Borderline Störung zugrunde.

Zusammenhang Sucht, Co-Abhängigkeit und Borderline

Bei der Auswahl Ihrer Freunde, Partner, Kollegen und Chefs ist also immer eine gewisse Vorsicht geboten. Wir Menschen haben wohl von allem immer etwas (Neurose, Psychose, Sucht, Borderline-Symptomatik). Es kommt natürlich auf das Maß und die Häufigkeit des Symptoms an, was der einzelne von uns hat und lebt.

Also man kann sich nicht in Sicherheit wiegen, weil unser Gegenüber keinen oder wenig Alkohol trinkt und somit kein Alkoholabhängiger auf den ersten Blick ist.

Eine langfristige Beziehung zu einem Mensch mit Borderline Störung wäre eine Art Suchtbeziehung wie die Beziehung von Alkoholiker und Co-Abhängiger, allerdings ohne Alkohol!

Die dunkle Seite, Sucht und Borderline, ist kultur- und religionsübergreifend.

Nach dem Thema Borderline wende ich mich bewusst wieder dem Positiven zu, was der einzige Weg heraus aus der dunklen Seite von Sucht und Boderline ist: nämlich der Vielfalt der Kulturen, Multi Kulti, gemeinsam Feiern, Fröhlich sein, voneinander Lernen und sich ergänzen!

Friday, December 23, 2011

BORDERLINE - black / white thinking, splitting into good and bad.....

transition from addiction to borderline society

definition of borderline personality disorder

According to ICD 10 impulsivity and instability in interpersonal relationships, moods, and the self-image.

Psychoanalytic Theory

After Otto F. Kernberg and other authors, borderline arises from the fact that certain early childhood development could not be successfully completed. For a healthy development, a man needs the mental ability to separate the self from other objects. In addition, the splintered I still needs to be integrated into a whole self. Only then the splitting into only good and only evil can be integrated into one and the same object.

This refers in particular to good and bad experiences with the mother.  If the mother was away for some time, she can be perceived as bad.

In a healthy development, the child would learn that the mother will still exist if she is not there. This skill is called object permanence or object constancy. If this is not developed, there remains an absence intense and a huge experience of loss.  As the self can not be separated from the objects, the person concerned sees part of himself thus lost too.And this leads to excessive early childhood aggression , where anger is the main consequence of the loss.

Help - I'm dealing with borderline

the black and white world of the borderline personality

Dear blog visitor,
You should be in a relationship with a partner who has borderline disorder, this iw difficult to deal with. Ormaybe you do not even know what's going on with your partner but you are experiencing extreme confusion and violence,  sudden outburst of aggression, or sudden disappearance of your partner. Then write to me. I look forward to hearing from you.
Sonja Nufer

borderline as a border between neurosis and psychosis

People with borderline disorder cannot avoid to causs bullying. Even while writing the book by Nufer § Schrader, this chapter about borderline was almost forgotten and suppressed by the authors.The book was already finished, when the subject borderline came up.

The abrupt changes of the person with borderline can be compared to the weather, changing from 30 degrees to plus 10 degrees minus. So this is very difficult to handle even for the professionals.

People with borderline are both very sensitive and kind, but the next moment they may become cruel "terrorists" , or they disappear abruptly without a word from one second to another.

You can discover the borderline symptom immediately when people hurt themselves. They are scratching or burning their skin with cigarettes thus causing scars in the skin. But the borderline disorder is also present in the absence of this so-obvious externally visible "scars" and self-injury. The disorder appears to be aggressive and these people show abrupt emotional outbursts.

But to know the diagnosis of borderline, is already more than half of the battle. Then at least you know with whom you are dealing with and how you could behave. That's at least something!

The fragility of our relationships correlates with our narcissism and borderline society. Jobs, relationships are continuously replaced like mobile phone contracts. .

What you should know when dealing with a partner with borderline?

You may be wondering about the madness and the destructiveness you are currently experiencing. Perhaps you are dealing with a partner with the black and white world of the borderline personality.

People with borderline personality disorder are very afraid to be left. . They injure themselves and mostly refuse and leave those persons by whom they are liked and loved and whom they need the most. They are very extreme in terms of  emotions: from very friendly and to super aggressive and vicious. They also fear their own madness, which opens up gradually.

addiction, co-dependency and borderline  

are aearly childhood disorders. To deal with a person with borderline is not easy. The extreme emotional outbursts especially the aggressive potential understandably causes fear, helplessness and powerlessness.

We could say, we deal with a child, a little tyrant. Behind a nice facade,  there is often the aggressive fear of abandonment which is not recognized immediately. Thus people with borderline disorder tend to leave their partner, before they can even be left.

book review: Jerold J. Kreisman, Hal Straus

Ich hasse dich - verlass mich nicht 

I hate you - do not leave me
The black and white world of the borderline personality
Kösel, 2001

Comment by Dr. Reinhard Hellmann, psychoanalyst

Dear Mrs. Nufer,

Your book, "Bullying in the partnership," is very interesting.

Concerning borderline you can see, what "evil = Destructive images"  these people must have. 

The example of many ex-partners show how many bad pictures they bear in themselves.

The person with borderline is sick, but the partner of a person with borderline was receptive to these patterns, because they are familiar to him from his early childhood and family of originl

I can recommend to people in such a situation:

you look at the GOOD in yourself.

It is there and wants to be found. It will not be buried under the rubbish of the madness of the person with the borderline personality disorder. The road is arduous, but it leads away from the madness.

The borderline structure always ensures that the "whole
normal madness of everyday life does not end.

best strategy: keep distance

With many good wishes for you and your book,
Your Reinhard Hellmann


A very good day, Sonja Nufer!

I have come across your blog, "If love becomes a disaster" and read every now and then in your blog. And I am now stumbled on this article on Borderline. Actually, I do not know what borderline means really. Your comments on the topic are quite understandable.

But what's wrong with me and my partner, I honestly do not know really.
How wonderful it is to be with him, it can be difficult at times as well. It then degenerates, even in terror, constant accusations and jealousies.

What makes me reflect more after reading the blog, are the sudden outbursts of aggression and threats to leave me. Last year my mother died. I was totally down.My partner did not care. On the contrary, I should take care of him in the situation of mourning and losing my job. Because I felt so alone and abandoned. His demands, I felt as an imposition and from today's point of view it was bullying.

I'll buy your book and read more about Borderline. Perhaps I see more clearly what is going on.

Thanks for all contributions on your blog.
Regards, Karla

Dear Karla,

Thanks for your post and your question about Borderline. People with borderline disorder are living in a black and white world. By this we mean that most of them live either or. That means no in between, no shades of gray, no middle. It's always all very extreme, for better or for worse.

But dealing too much with your partner and fixing on him would lead you to co-dependency. So my advice: Take care of yourself watching yourself, how can you feel yourself better, with everyday life, job, your partner. Make sure that you feel good. Avoid people and situations that rob your balance and your strength.

If your partner acts out extreme temper and shows aggression, then the only "therapy method"is to : keep distance and stay with yourself! Better be alone than in bad and aggressive company!

With best wishes for you!
Sonja Nufer

Friday, December 31, 2010

The Future lies in the intercultural potentials". The Duck & the Swan, page 305

Book by Nufer & Schrader,  page 305

 The Duck and the Swan

Two different races of animals, a duck and a swan, were swimming as a couple on the Berlin River Spree. The Captain of a Berlin city tour boat draws the attention of the guests onto this rare couple. One might think that they were kicked out of their family clans or couples. But they stick together to forget the disaster and not to be alone.

The fact that two different races of animals cooperate and live together peacefully, could give courage and hope to us human beings, too.

Die Ente und der Schwan: Buch Nufer & Schrader, Seite 305

Zwei artfremde Wesen, eine Ente und ein Schwan, schwimmen als Paar auf der Spree in Berlin. Der Kapitän eines Rundfahrtenschiffes macht die Gäste auf das seltene Paar aufmerksam. Man könnte denken, dass es sich bei den beiden um Ausgestoßene handelt. Vermutlich sind beide aus ihren jeweiligen Familienbanden und Paarbeziehungen rausgemobbt worden. Aber sie haben sich zusammengetan, um das Unheil zu vergessen und nicht allein zu sein. Dass sich zweit artfremde Tiere derart gut verstehen, könnte dem Menschen Mut machen.....

Ente gut, alles gut
Wilhelm Busch

Thursday, December 30, 2010

CHINA - GERMANY: An Example for Intercultural cooperation and communication. URANIA Seminar Berlin 28.02.07 together with Prof. Yu Zhang

Germany-China Dialogue: Seminar by Nufer & Schrader & Zhang

Understanding China - Intercultural Cooperation and Communication

Together with Prof. Yu Zhang, MBA, from China Communications Consulting (Berlin - Shanghai - Beijing) the seminar was about the art of intercultural communication.

The rapid growth of China as one of the leading economic nations and world powers is fascinating. As Helmut Schmidt, the German ex Chancellor, put it, we need solid information about our neighbour China in order to better understand this very important cooperation partner for Germany.

Book Review: Helmut Schmidt - Our neighbour CHINA

Helmut Schmidt - Nachbar China  

The lecture provides firsthand insight into Chinese culture and mentality and outlines some selected aspects of current policy regarding the country´s economic development.

Regarded from a psychological perspective, the seminar deals both with the difficulties and opportunities concerning intercultural communication and cooperation. Furthermore the seminar approaches critically the rather unilateral and rather negative and hostile presentation of China in the German media.

The seminar centers on the thesis that our future is based on a dialogue leading to mutual enrichment of the cultures.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

ALI BABA and the 40 thieves

ALI BABA AND THE 40 ROBBERS - an Arab fairy tale

summarized, freely translated and psychologically interpreted by Sonja Nufer

When the Sultana Schehersad was awakened by her sister Dinarsad, she told her husband, the Sultan of India, the following story: Ali Baba and the 40 thieves is one of the best known tales from the great collection of Arabic tales.

There are two brothers. Ali Baba, poor and humble, Casim rich and greedy.

Ali Baba married a woman who was as poor as himself. They lived very poorly. However his brother Casim married a woman who soon after their wedding had a richly stuffed warehouse, so that he suddenly became a wealthy man and one of the richest people in the city.

Once Ali Baba was gathering wood in the forest when he suddenly heard loud cries and horses. He anxiously climbed up a tree. Shortly afterwards, 40 thieves appeared with their pockets full of gold. One took a rock and shouted: "SESAM open!" The rock opened, and all the 40 robbers disappeared in it. After a while they came out again and said, "SESAM close" and they rode away.

Ali Baba climbed from the tree and said, "SESAM open!" He too found great treasures inside, but he was smart and took only some gold coins so that nobody should notice, he hoped. But nevertheless his brother Casim discovered a piece of gold stuck to the floor. Casim ran to Ali Baba and demanded an explanation. Ali Baba told him the secret of the rock.

Contrary to Ali Baba, his brother Casim was very greedy. The next morning he went there with 12 donkeys, each carrying two baskets. He found the forest and the rocks, said the magic word. The baskets were too heavy and he could not carry them. Since he could not decide what to leave behind, all took a long time. However, when he wanted to leave, Casim full of excitement and greed had forgotten the code. He tried everything, but could not get out.

Suddenly the rocks opened and the 40 thieves came back. Casim was killed and to deter, he was beheaded. Ali Baba found Casim in pieces. Casim's wife also died soon after. So Ali Baba moved into the big house of his dead brother.

In Arab fairy tales, the supposed end of a story is just the beginning of the drama. The story then continues with the poor wood-seeker Ali Baba who one day finding a great treasure has to pass some tests, before he and his family can live happily. Before he can use this wealth for good purposes, forty thieves have to be handled. From here the story becomes gorgeous. With the help of wise women and his own intelligence, he finds a creative way out. The intelligent slave Morgiane is given her freedom and she marries Ali Baba´son.

What could this fairy tale teach us for today?

Comment by Sonja Nufer

Ali Baba & the 40 thieves seems to fit well in our times, our world. And it might give a solution to us! The worldwide war for ressources (petrol, water, gas etc...) is going on. Our power is rational and technical (satellite, mobile phone, video conference, internet telephone etc..). But we are getting poorer in personal communication, relationships, emotions and humanity. As in the Stone Age, we still use a lot of aggression and violence. The splitting in bad and good, black and white, friend and enemy are the characteristics of a borderline society.

As the Arabian fairy tale shows, bullying and envy often start in society and continue in family, marriage and worklife. The greedy person in the end however is losing. The smarter survives. Female intelligence, relationships and working together especially with inferior people (the slave Morgiane) seem to be the key. Ali Baba relies on the help of others and especially wise women.

The forty thieves may signify the masculine aggression, which is sometimes needed in life. But it is also the symbol of our own destructiveness and greediness which is in many cases projected onto others. Ali Baba hospitalizes the 40 thieves, i.e. he accepts them to be a possible part of himself! Thus the thieves do not kill him. Ali Baba survives. In the end all are saved, inclusive all his treasure!

The happy end of the fairy tale for Ali Baba may also teach us that man needs woman and that the generations need each other.

Only together we can enjoy the treasure by sharing it!

Monday, December 27, 2010

TV Maischberger - Fear of Islam

The borderline society

is splitting into good guys and bad guys. Extreme splitting has taken place in World War II by making Jews the scapegoats of the world. Nowadays it seems that Muslim people are discrimated either as suicide terrorists or veiled women. What shows the revolution in the arab countries in 2011, is that both systems (west and east) are in trouble, crisis and close to collapse. And behind religion and political systems, there is mostly the question of power, money and resources.

What could help is to concentrate on what we have in common. And what shows in both systems is that the young generation seems to be without a future.

The more splitting into the powerful and rich and on the other hand the weak, poor, handicapped, long term unemployed, the foreigners, the Muslims or other minorities or outsiders happens, the more the society lacks humanity, tolerance, empathy and helpfulness. What we need all over the world, is outer and inner peace.

Was siehst du aber den Splitter in deines Bruders Auge, und wirst nicht gewahr des Balkens in deinem Auge?  

The Bible says:

You can see the splinter in your brother´s eye, but you cannot see the bar in your eye!

TV 12th September 2010 - FEAR of ISLAM

Capitulation to ISLAM?

Maischberger invited Islamic hardliners: Islam critic Udo Ulfkotte met the German Islamic preacher Pierre Vogel. Peter Scholl-Latour, the world explainer, and TV priest Jürgen Fliege are committed to tolerance and differentiation. Nourig Apfeld was also among the guests, author of the book about honor killing. Ich bin Zeugin des Ehrenmords an meiner Schwester. During the TV show, I found Irmgard Pinn, a German Muslim and a woman, who is free to wear a headscarf or not, very important because she tried to soothe the charged emotions on this explosive subject.

Globalization, the debate on integration of different cultures and religions, especially Islam, tolerance and its limits is highly topical and controversial in society all over the world. The latest Mohammed Cartoons and Terry Jones ´s plan of burning Koran copies on 11th September 2010, increase the conflict. After worldwide protests and a visit from the FBI, Terry Jones, priest of a group of fundamentalist Christians in the U.S., gives in.

Concerning this subject in Germany, the are two topical German books extremely controversial: Thilo Sarrazin, author: Deutschland schafft sich ab: Wie wir unser Land aufs Spiel setzen and Alice Schwarzer, author: Die große Verschleierung: Für Integration, gegen Islamismus

Book Review: Peter Scholl-Latour 

Kampf dem Terror - Kampf dem Islam

"War against Terror. War against Islam"

Sonja ´s summary on this subject: The war of cultures

The problem of Europe seems to be a demographical weakness. The more education women obtain, the fewer children they have. Whereas in the Muslim world, the population has been steadily growing worldwide in the last decades. This is a demographical fact, which we can no longer deny. In addition, the Muslim world has a religion, whereas the Non-Muslim world is losing religion and spirituality.

But this should not lead to splitting into black and white, the borderline symptom by stigmatizing Muslims with headscarf, Burca, terror, archaic, patriarchal structures. The Muslims should not become the scapegoat for our worldwide financial and economic crisis! The deeper cause is not religion. Religion is used to hide social and economic problems and interests!

I am against any violence where ever it may happen.
There are many peaceful Muslims all over the world. Suicide bombing and honor killing should not be treated as an equivalent to Islam in general. This only stirs fear of Muslims!

The Islam is accused of subjugation of women

What I missed in the TV discussion concerning the discrimination of women was the point, that the Catholic Church once burnt women and nowadays priests are blamed of sexually abusing children! And even in our society, there are still patriarchal structures. Even in our society, women are not yet equal to men, especially concerning salaries and top management positions. And maybe the position of a mother and elderly people in a Muslim world is not that bad?

As Jürgen Fliege puts it, just travel to Turkey and meet people, make experiences and try to differentiate. There are many forms of Islamic trends and societies. Even every Islam country is different. Every country, culture and religion has both positive and negative properties. We should try to focus the positive ones and amplify our views and concentrate on what we have in common. Christians, Muslims and Jews have more similarities than differences!

The Islam is accused of fanaticism, terror and honor killing

A projection may also be that Muslims are reproached with fanaticism, violence and honor killing. But what can we read in the BZ Berliner Newspaper almost every day: Family tragedies all over Germany. Nowadays, there are more Non-Muslims, German husbands or even wives, who in times of relationship crisis, loss of home or joblessness kill their spouses and children!

And fanatic people we can find in every culture and religion

So it is reasonable to try to differentiate


Headscarves and burcas

The subject of headscarves is politically charged. On the one hand, sometimes Muslim women are forced to take off the headscarves in public or in their jobs in Europe, the Muslim society however wants them to put it on. What is the difference? Muslim women are not free to decide themselves. The headscarf is abused in this way. We live in a democratic society. Everyone should be free in his opinion and religion.

In my job as a coach, I have a lot of experience with Muslim people. I respect them, they respect me. As long as both sides do not demand to become equal like them, there will be peace and tolerance.

I do not like burcas at all. But I respect Muslim women if they want to wear a headscarf. Sometimes young Muslim women with their headscarves even look very feminine, modern and attractive. And in former times Catholic women wore headscarves too.

Concerning the headscarf, I compare this with a sort of habit. For example, I grew up in the South of Germany. I am not accustomed to nudism. So I can understand that women may feel naked, if they do not wear a headscarf. I would not force them to do so. Nobody can force me to present naked without a towel in a sauna either.

As Jürgen Fliege mentions, the only way to leave the hostile picture of Muslims as our enemies is to personally meet and get to know normal and peaceful Muslim people. We can find extremism everywhere all over the world, but we should try to overcome this.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Film by MO ASUMANG. Instead of violence better talk and try to understand....!

in English

Film by Mo Asumang, ROOTS GERMANIA
MA Motion in co-production with ZDF, in cooperation with the Academy of Film and Television "Konrad Wolf", Potsdam-Babelsberg

My visit to the cinema with my colleague Helge Böttger CENTRAL, close to the S-Hackesche Höfe, Berlin Mitte

How did Mo get to produce this film?

"The ball is for you, Mo Asumang"

With this line of text the Neo Nazi band - called the "White Aryan Rebels" - produced in a song the murder of the TV presenter and actress Mo Asumang. This shock inspired Mo to produce a reportage.

During her research, Mo Asumang intuitively tried to find out the causes of such hatred towars foreigners. Mo however took seriously, what the malignant song talked about: "Go to the country where you are from." The film thus deals with the subject of roots and the loss of roots, the home loss.

So Mo started with the question of her birthplace Kassel? Is this her home? Or Ghana, where her father comes from? But in Africa, she is considered to be white. This question of where is her residence and home led to a whole new way to consider the conflict of racism and to find answers to the new cult of German neo-Nazis.

So Mo´s search for her personal identity led her to a spiritual journey to African and Germanic ancestors and cult places. But this was not all she did. She dared to go to a NPD neo-Nazi demo. She searches for Nazi sites on the Internet, and even visits the "Tomb Himmler" Wewelsburg.

An intensive, but again and again ironically humorous trip, which not only leads her to lose the immensive fear and trauma caused by the Neo Nazi song, but also to understand prejudice, hatred and where fear originally comes from. Mo overcomes and grows over the Neo-Nazi song.

My impressions regarding the film from Mo ASUMANG "Roots Germania"
Mon Asumang´s film is really a great success and worth of the GRIMME prize nomination. The way she handled this difficult situation is a really psycological and emotional approach. She united intercultural and male and female energies in this film.

The result of the film: Instead of attacking the Neo Nazis, in the beginning she was driven by her fear of the neo-Nazis. But she found a super creative and human form of dealing with and resolving the conflict.

She makes personal encounters with the "enemy". She speaks with the Neo-Nazi Carsten in the youth prison. Towards the end of the film she even goes to the club where the singer of the song resides.

Speaking to Neo-Nazi Carsten in prison, she finds him quite human and she even feels pity for him and develops even maternal instincts.

The film shows relationship and encounter. Just what is happening in our society of narcissism and borderline , the loss of commodity. Not only the Neo-Nazis use the black-and-white thinking of the Nazis. Even in more subtle form, we can now meet this phenomenon, abrupt breaks of relationships, relationship problems, single-society, separation and debris.

The film is a wonderful contribution to peace between people and different cultures and religions. Mo did not escape, she stayed and the film was an experiment. She said to herself: Perhaps this negative experience with the song may have something meaningful too.

Yes, and she succeeded. Instead of responding only with fear and violence, she met the Neo Nazis and discussed. Moreover, she dealt intensively with her own roots and her biography, dealing with the differences between cultures of parental and maternal influences.

And what counts at the end: As her father in Ghana said, it is only the humanity, love and welcome which is important. Mo can have both homes: Germany and Africa.

The film also shows indirectly, that the longing for family and the creation of peace and mutual understanding between the generations is very deep and demands a solution. This is the very start and the root for global peace between the countries of this world.

The film should, in my opinion, will be further promoted. The film is a great contribution to nonviolent communication and understanding of different cultures, religions and different generations. At the end we find more community and unifying elements than differences!

What remained still open to me regarding the film by Mo Asumang?

Mo 's mother married a black man at times, where this was not accepted in the society at all. Mo was very keen regarding her grandmother from Dresden. The mother and grandmother lost their apartment, because Mo - a child of mixed blood - was born. A hybrid child was a disgrace at that time. Today however, it is modern to have a bi-cultural child in our globalised time.

What about the German father of the mother, the German grandfather? The German family remained small and not invisible compared to the African big family. It seems that the German father was missing.

What remains open is the question whether the German family was perhaps also a victim of World War II and had a refugee fate? Is there a connection to the marriage of Mo's mother with a man from Africa?

Very many German refugees after the end of World War II were badly treated and marginalized themselves! The film the sinking of the Gustloff and many other contributions currently in the media, e. g. the biography of Hitler and the Nazis documents concerning the destruction and devastation caused by the Nazi War. That time was some sort of a mass psychosis.

The Herald Tribune wrote after the Reichskritallnacht The German Mobs ..... -- War as the worst form of bullying?
In my opinion, a film similar to Mo ´s film should now be made about the Muslims. The struggle for perol and water has already started since 11th September and the war against Iraq and Afghanistan. I think these wars are against humanity and self-determination of peoples and are not the adequate approach to the problem!

Meanwhile, many peaceful Muslims have become victims of enemy images. A film that shows the personal encounter with Muslims and also their positive sides - not only negative side - could lead to a better understanding, worldwide peace and a solution for equitable sharing of the resources of this world.

Comment by Alice, a black American woman living in Berlin

Hello Sonja!

My name is Alice. I was borne in the USA. I have now been living in Berlin for six years. I have read your article about bullying in relationships, intercultural discrimination and about the film by Mo Asumang "Roots Germania".

My story about marriage and being a black American woman:

That ´s how it is. I got married with an American man, US military. We lived in my house. We had everything. But the relationship got worse. He tried to suppress me. He pretended to be always above of me. I asked him to get out of my house. He refused. Fortunately, the army took him to some other place.

I took this chance, sold the house and even left my homeplace and country to get rid of my husband. I was able to get out of this marriage, because my family is strong and all women of my family are strong women. They do not allow mistreatment.

I went to Berlin, because a friend of mine was studying there. I have been in Berlin now some years and I love Berlin. In the meantime, I got divorced and will marry a German guy, whom I met 2 years ago. He is an artist really like me. He is playing music in a band. I am singing in his band now. He is working in a hospital. And I am working as a nurse too.

We want to get married. But getting married in Germany is too difficult. We will get married in Denmark. You know how I was treated by these German authorities: "You have to be happy, you are black and come from America. If you come from Africa, no chance.....!" I was shocked. All my friends and colleagues say how beautiful I am. I should be working as a model.

But still nowadays I sometimes feel we are still in times of slavery. There is still - not only in Germany - discrimination concerning black people!

Fortunately, there are many very nice and helpful people with good character too! My friend has got a little girl from a former relationship. So when we get married next month in Denmark, I will be something like a patchwork mother, too.

It is good to have projects focussing on peace and intercultural questions. And it is important to struggle against violence! Just continue!

Good Luck and Success!
Alice from USA, living in Berlin!

THANK YOU by Sonja Nufer for the feedback!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

BEZNESS - the business with emotions + The WHITE MASSAI

book review: Evelyne Kern, 

Sand in der Seele

 ISBN 9783939478041, 2 revised edition 2007, Publisher Kern, Bayreuth

More information on the subject BEZNESS can be found with Book and Internet by Evelyne Kern was founded by the journalist Evelyne Kern. Many concerned women founded CiB eV, a community in the fight against Bezness.

What is BEZNESS? - the deal with the relationships/feelings of European women. The dark side of bi-cultural relationships with a man from the so called Orient

Like every year, thousands of women travel to the magical Orient. North Africa, Egypt and Turkey attract visitors from all over the world with its wonderful beaches and its oriental flair that promises a touch of "Arabian Nights". And in holiday mood, it seems easy to start flirtation with a charming local attractive man. But this affair unfortunately may not end in harmless flirtation.

These contacts can, at worst, threaten the entire financial existence of the holidaymaker or lead to something even worse. The whole romantic gestures, all the promises of the local gigolos may be ruthless calculation. The acting of these charmers sometimes knows no boundaries or taboos.

Countless female tourists are driven in financial ruin. Often after the holiday a relationship continues with the man, and after the marriage and the acquisition of residence and work in the "promised land" he shows his true face.

Especially some unscrupulous men play the perfect husband until they reach all their targets (car, house in their country, European passport) and enrich their native family. The European woman is getting poorer and poorer, and the marriage becomes a hell. They are cheated and psychologically tortured, until the European woman no longer can withstand the situation and quits the relationship.

So the good man can now claim that he has always done everything for his European wife, but she wanted the separation and divorce.

For example, the German Embassy in Tunis reports annually, around 1,700 cases of fraud. Similarly, in Egypt and Turkey. The real figure seems, however, much higher because many women do not report out of shame and ignorance.

But Bezness does not only happen on vacation. It may happen in the home country of the European women. Meanwhile, foreigners seeking asylum or foreign students try to settle in the country knowing that the longed-resident status is achieved only with a marriage.

So it may be a usual charming approach to a European woman (in a cafe, grocery store..) and the game begins. Again, the women have in most cases completely trusted these poor strangers. Furthermore, the bias comes from the German family and friends who are of the opinion that the whole malaise was due to the stupidity of the European woman to fall in love with a foreigner.

But in many cases the women were cautious. Prior to marriage, they have informed themselves about the country and its laws and many women have marriage contracts. Actions before a judiciary of the husband´s country are still mostly useless. Almost impossible a European woman obtains justice, even if she can prove all financial transactions. In most cases, they return home psychologically broken, penniless and traumatized.

They gave everything and lost everything in the end. Thousands of euros are literally thrown into the sand, as is written in the book by Evelyne Kern. Many women feel emotionally and financially abused. And if there are children, there is a continuous cruel battle for their children.

The two sides of the Coin. Comment by Sonja Nufer

In my opinion, we should be very careful to generalize and make general accusations. In every country, culture and religion, there are good people and bad people. It always depends on the character of the person we meet.

It is not just a stupid saying: Love makes blind. But this concerns love relationships with a foreigner and also with a partner of the same country!

In my coachings, I have met German women who also lost all their money or houses with German husbands....! And the struggle for the children may also be cruel with a German husband. Some German husbands nowadays even kill their wives and children or burn the house, if the woman wants the separation!

I would like to mention that in a big city like Berlin, from three marriages two are divorced. Positively speaking, apart from the dark side like bezness, which may occur, too, there is however also a positive side: There seems to be more long term and emotional relationships with a foreigner, even if the relationship is also very complicated, as we have seen in the cases mentioned above!

The White Massai

Book Review: Corinne Hofmann Author of  The White Massai
Wiedersehen in Barsaloi, Knaur Verlag 2007

In her book about her return back to Africa to see her African ex-husband, Corinne Hofmann gives an example of a peaceful bi-cultural relationship. Furthermore, the book shows the life with an African family. The ex-husband was generous and loving: He gave his signature and let the White Massai leave the country with their little daughter, although he knew she would not come back to live with him!

She came back to see him many years later discovering they always stay together of course in a different sense. And even if he is married again and she is with someone else in Europe, Corinne will always remain some sort of wife for him in a positive sense. Reading this book shows, that we can learn so much from each other!

Friday, December 17, 2010

LUISA a German MUSLIM: ARTE TV film on intercultural relationships

ARTE Film: a German MUSLIM

In the microcosm of this family there are mixed Western and Islamic values. At the same time the film reflects the fears that the Islam currently seems to cause.

Sonja's commentary on the film LUISA

Grimme Prize for LUISA - a German Muslim

A quote from the bible, Thomas 26
You can see the balk in your brother's eye, but you cannot see the splinter in your own eye.

Regarding the current worldwide situation that we are all in a "war for ressources", there seems to happen quite a lot of discrimination and prejudice concerning Muslims. Meanwhile, Muslims are either regarded as fanatic, dangerous and potential suicide bombers or there is the image of completely veiled women.

In my opinion and according to my travel experiences, there are women, mostly elderly women living in the country, who are completely covered in black. But in big cities, there are very modern Muslim women, too. Unfortunately, the film does not show a picture of a modern Muslim woman!In my opinion it would make sense at the present time, also to show a friendlier, positive, more modern and more open picture of Muslims.

An example of a modern and strong woman in Muslim world: Queen Noor of Jordan

book review:
Queen Noor of Jordan.

In the spirit of Reconciliation.  

Living between two worlds

the film LUISA - a German Muslim
The film shows a bi-cultural German/Algerian relationship and thus presents two different models of family systems. In Germany we still have two cultures, too, the East and West. And even if the couple is from the same country, the subject of a successful relationship is that nobody gives up himself for the other. Luisa gave up her religion/her roots and became a Muslim, okay. Watching the film, I thought it might be more a question of family dynamics than religion!

A Comment from DUBAI about intercultural projects and peace projects
A comment on the 3 religions: Muslim, Christian, Jewish
A message to Sonja by
Hamdan Mohamed
CEO & Managing Director
Middle East's Leading Online Store
Dubai, Vereinigte Arabische Emirate

hello sonja,

something i know and not sure if you know that the 3 religions Islam, Christianity and Jews have almost the same acts in many of there rituals they have more common things that deferent things, even on the names i have both Christian and jew friends and we find out many things are the same, even the stories in many of the books are the same.

did you know that?
Hamdan, DUBAI

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

MISSION Impossible? - the today´s worldwide crisis, our responsibility and what to do?

For decades, we have directed our attention primarily on external threats, which helped us to distract ourselves from our own problems. So far there have been the Russians during the Cold War, then the terror in the Balkan wars, the attacks of 11th September 2001, Afghanistan and Iraq war, al-Qaida and the Taliban on the remote Hindu Kush etc.....And there are ongoing conflicts with China, Iran etc.....

But now we have to deal with financial conflicts, self-inflicted or at least coming from our own society.

What can we do in times of crisis?
First stop and have a break. Then try to let go. Try to keep distance. Contemplate with humor and self-irony!

Generally speaking, society needs a change of values. An extraordinary revolution and change has happened in the USA:

The first BLACK Man in the WHITE House!

And in addition, his father a MUSLIM: Barack Hussein OBAMA!

The globalised family of countries, cultures and religions are one family and have to help each other, not fight each other! Obama a reason for worldwide HOPE!

Book Review Barack Obama. 

Hoffnung wagen

Daring to HOPE

Thus one possible solution might be NOT: more effort, more turnover, more quantity, more technology, but it might be: more quality, more humanity, more relationship, more real communication, more human service. That would mean families, companies, organizations, countries compete on the level of best atmosphere. It would mean cooperation, sharing, constructive conflict management instead of aggressive competition.